That Thing You Can't Not Do

Your purpose lies somewhere that way.

I've been reading all these devotionals about finding your purpose and how to tell what it is and God's gifts and that there is a greater story, etc. Ultimately, they just left me more insecure and feeling worse about myself. I don't know what my purpose is. My just turned 5 year old daughter, for the last few months, has been asking me over and over, "Who are you?" which is an oddly timely question since I have never talked with her about my existential angst. She asked me again as I write this. Ha!

What is that Thing that you can't not do? The answer for me is writing. It's almost like I haven't lived it until I write about it. My dad's recent cancer diagnosis. My search for a home. These things drive me back again and again to words. Words to describe, to wrestle with, to make me feel at home again in my life.

I was worried if I moved or changed anything in my life that I would stop writing, as if I was locked into my current life until I finish my book, that if I moved, at all, I might never write again, never get back to it, never pick up the threads.

But that's not true. The words build up inside me until I have to let them out, scribbling on paper or my phone or email or a napkin or my hand, whatever surface I can find that works with a pen. I feel most alive when I write. So now I trust that I will write anywhere, anytime, move or no move That book is getting done, Lord willing, come what may.